Everything in moderation

it is easy to be sad. it is easy to irrational. it is easy to be miserable. but it takes a little work to let it all go and be happy. missing things, losing things and being kicked outta the club and make for a bad week. but in reality its a great big beautiful world with lots of great things. with things that make us think and things that we need to think more about. the easy part would be to be upset about the missing hurt about the loss and angry about being kicked out. the truth is i will get over the things i missed and make up for them 10 times over. i will forget the things i lost but always remember how special they are to me. i will not be angry about being kicked out but okay with the fact that is a club to which i don't wanna be a member. and all in all i get to remember the good times and the bad. cause from both of these things do we learn our lessons. from both do we get the next great adventure. we learn our lessons and hope that next time we get a chance to try again and get a chance to make it right next time. mistakes make us grow. therefore they can't be mistakes but only steps in the direction of our perfection to the people we are supposed to be.

for one night only

in the end we all get what we need. right? i need money. i need a home. i need food. i need a job. i need someone, something. need need need. but the delineation between a need and a want is what i believe is hard for all of us. i need nothing in my life. i want a lot of things.

while stumbling today i found something that said stop buying bananas from someone who doesn't have any bananas. stop asking advice from someone who has never been in your shoes. stop believing that the things you want from someone if they don't have them that eventually they will. most likely they won't. but we all try to change what we can if it doesn't fit our world. hopefully we realize that it never will.

and now for somthing diffrent

i always wanna write. but with out much substance i am not sure if it is worth it. tonight i find myself reflecting on everything. my home life, my job, my friends, my past, my present and the world around me. tonight i stood in my 53,000 square foot building and realized that being alone the silence was wonderful. it is the first time in what felt like weeks that there was nothing in the world around me but the hum of the fluorescents and the dark emptiness of the building. for those 10 mins i thought a lot as i locked the building down and put things away. i thought of the last year of my life, the last 5 years of my career and of the things that i still want to achieve. the loss of family and friends. the missing people and the ones who are still here but we aren't allowed to talk or they dont want to talk to me. the expectations that i had for my life at this point. my sister. my family. the secrets. and the men. all of these things that have help define who i am. the things that at some point will define more of who i am to become. the world around me is small but how incredible huge it is. and realizing that i am always there for someone. i wonder if i actually make a difference. if i matter. not in a suicidal way but if i touch people's hearts. if i make them better. then i began to wonder if i can let other people in enough for them to make me a better person. and in reality it is only one person that i want to try this with. they would never know it was them. the people i know who will read this will guess at this person but will choose wrong. i want to let them in. i want them to want to be that person. i am tired of being the one who asks the questions and with little relief always gets the answer. if you are willing to listen then don't speak is what i wanna say. i want my turn to complain. i want my turn for the advice or at least make me feel like you care as much as i try to make you feel like i care. in 3 days ask me about what i talked about today. let me know that you were listening. i was. but you weren't and you didn't and if you did i missed it. this is the rambling inside today. tomorrow it will mean nothing. but for now it feels so good to ramble....